Oh Sleep!

For months I have battled the overnight wakings, often several times in an hour, perplexed as to why!  I did everything right, didn't I?  I met my son's needs completely, instantly coming to his rescue whenever he even started to fuss, never providing any reason for him to cry.  Caleb is such a happy baby, so easy, agreeable and adaptable, so I know I'm doing something right, yet he sleeps terribly!  Why?!  Things were rough when he was a newborn, which is normal and to be expected, but then he started sleeping through the night for weeks around two-and-a-half to three months old!  I couldn't believe it.  In our "Happiest Baby on the Block" class the instructor told us that a couple of months after bringing baby home we would think we had the best sleeper in the whole world, and that shortly thereafter we would be scratching our heads wondering what happened.  She was totally right!  Caleb started teething at about three-and-a-half months and he hasn't stopped yet, which is right around when he started sleeping terribly and has ever since.  He's 10 months old and has eight teeth already, and it's looking like a molar is going to poke through any day now.  Of course it is, now that he just started sleeping better!  And I'll tell you, there's nothing we didn't try: nightlight on and off, shade down and up, music on and off, door open and close, propping him on his side and laying flat on his back, letting him cry a little bit and rushing right in, nursing overnight and not, having Shawn start comforting him and even Grandpa so he doesn't only calm down for Mommy, yet nothing seemed to have much of an impact.  His sleep patterns have been terrible and unpredictable, and his naps non-existent.  I have been so frustrated, and so jealous of the moms whose babies seem to sleep like clockwork every day and night for long periods of time.  What were they doing right that I wasn't?  I started reading books on baby sleep and researching it online, tried adjusting my diet, and of course canceled any and all plans around nap times (which I was always sorry for, as naps never happened when they were supposed to).  My days have been an up and down roller coaster of sleep attempts that rarely work, and if they do, as soon as I get him down, my to-do list is so long that I don't know where to start and wind up doing, nothing aside from often sleeping myself!  I have been so exhausted for so long and finally just gave it to God.  I told him, "Clearly nothing I'm doing is working so I'm laying it at your feet Lord.  I need you to take over, I need you to help me, and I need Caleb to sleep.  I've learned a lot from this, God, and maybe there's still more you want me to learn before you change things, but please help my son to sleep if it's in your will at this time Father.  We all really need it."  And of course, very soon after, Caleb started sleeping better.  Once I stopped trying to do it and figure it all out myself (as usual), things got better.  How many times is God going to need to teach me this same lesson?!

The last week has been amazing.  My son is finally sleeping better at night, getting up only once or not at all, and he's easier to get back down when he does.  Sometimes he doesn't nurse at all overnight anymore, which is awesome for being 10 months old!  Caleb started napping in the late morning for about two hours and sometimes he even takes a second nap for 45 minutes to an hour!  I hardly knew what to do with myself at first, but I've been happily readjusting to having some time that I'm not too exhausted to do anything with.  I have to force myself to walk away from the sink and laundry to spend time with the Lord first, to do some yoga postures and just breathe, to sit for a few minutes in silence, and then to knock a couple of things off my to-do list, but I'm always happier when I do.  And surprisingly, or not very surprising at all actually, when I take time to pray and read the Bible, and even spend just a little time with God first, I always wind up getting so much more done in my day than if I forgot God to just power through.  Priorities.  I'm finally learning. :)  Of course, there's been some bumps in the road now that Caleb is napping.  I hardly go anywhere during the day so that I don't disrupt this beautiful routine, and since sometimes he sleeps-in later and then naps later, or vice verse, it's hard for me to make any plans at all during the day.  We live so far out from all my friends now, that the car ride alone often takes all the time we have before we have to head home for a nap, etc.  I feel bad being so unreliable these days, canceling plans left and right, and sometimes I get a little depressed that I don't have much social interaction at all anymore, but that's the price to establish good sleep patterns I suppose.  I need sleep, my body needs to finally heal, and that is my main priority right now.  Later, when Caleb is a little older and our sleep routine is more set in stone (ha, is there such a thing?!), I'll be able to mess with it here and there, but right now, it just doesn't seem worth it.  And I know that any newer momma reading this totally understands!  Yet, sometimes I allow the voices of those who don't seem to understand (like my dad or people who went through it too long ago to remember) to guilt me into not being so "rigid" with his routines...and I always regret it.  I prayed for sleep for months, and I went through hundreds of days straight with very little assistance overnight, nights that often consisted of four-six wakings an hour (unbelievable, I know!), so it seems utterly ridiculous to want to mess with it this soon.  I'm learning, slowly, to smile and nod when people give me their opinions on my parenting choices, and to then continue with whatever I know works best for myself and my son.  No one knows Caleb like I do, and no one knows what works best for both of us better than me. Even still, today, I messed with it.

 For two weeks Caleb and I have been sick and barely left the house at all, except for grocery shopping and church.  He hasn't been in the gym day care at all (which is probably where he picked this nasty bug up from) so I haven't worked out in weeks, and I've been feeling so lowsy that I've been back to sleeping whenever he does.  This sick stint was made much worse, utterly depressing actually, by sub-zero temperatures and even more snow.  Today I was supposed to take Caleb to the Mommies group I started in the city, about 25 minutes away, which is where we lived until a few months ago.  We haven't gotten there much lately, since we've been sick and were working on establishing naps for a while, but today I felt like I should really go.  Sometimes I feel judged for never making plans when Shawn is home since Caleb and I don't get to see him much, and I also feel bad for hardly ever making it anymore to the meet-up I myself started!  Caleb was supposed to go down for a nap around 12:30/1 p.m. and the girls were meeting at 12 p.m. so I decided to go and hope he would fall asleep on the car ride back and let me just lay him down when we got home.  I knew I shouldn't go, since it was nap time, but we haven't seen anyone in weeks, Caleb has had no one to play with, and I just felt plain bad about not making it in several weeks.  Guilt is never a good reason for anything, and I should've known that.  Caleb fell asleep in the car just as we got there, was pretty low-key the whole time we were there since that was his nap time, fell asleep halfway home and then woke up immediately when I got him out of the car.  I tried to put him in his crib and he wasn't interested in sleep at all.  After 45 minutes, I went in and got him.  I tried again later...nope.  I was so upset.  Immediately the inner dialogue starts

I shouldn't have felt judged for not making it to my group lately, and for the plans I've had to miss or reschedule, because it's all just part of it!  This is called being a mom.  I have lived exhausted for months and am just finally getting my son into a better sleep pattern, so I shouldn't feel bad about focusing on that at all!  I don't have to please anyone except the Lord.  So why do I care what other people think?!  If I'm doing what's right for myself and my son, that's all that matters.  I always second guess myself (ex. "well I shouldn't have to stop living my life so that Caleb can nap at the exact same time every day") but I shouldn't because I'm a great mom, I know what my son and I both need, and this is all just temporary.  Once we have a well-established nap and overnight sleep routine, even if they don't take place at the exact same time every day, then I can make plans here and there, but for now I'm just happy that he's napping.  I asked the Lord to help Caleb sleep, so I don't want to turn around and complain about the way that's effecting my ability to go anywhere or do anything.  Talk about ungrateful!  I will be able to get out of the house more soon, but for now I will do it around Caleb's naps.  They are too precious to me right now, and the time I get while he's taking them has been my saving grace.

So, what is the lesson?  I'm walking away with two.  One, stop worrying about what other people think so much especially because most of the time it's only in our head!  If someone is disappointed in me for missing or changing plans, that's okay.  And if someone else talks about me for it, or judges me for it, that's okay too.  It doesn't have to effect me.  Remember, the only person we need to worry about pleasing is GOD.  No one else.  Second lesson, stop being afraid so much.  The only thing we should fear is GOD.  Outside of that, fear is a sin.  Being afraid that making any plans during the day will cause a nap and overnight problem again, or put us right back at square one, is a sin.  Today, as soon as I got home and tried to put Caleb down unsuccessfully, I immediately started all the negative self-talk.  "I knew I never should've left the house."  But the truth is, it's okay.  I'm allowed to live and allowed to make mistakes.  It's not the end of the world that Caleb didn't get to nap at exactly the same time as yesterday, and I don't have to be afraid he'll sleep terribly tonight or never nap again.  I imagine God would say to me, "Oh ye of little faith."  Caleb's sleep patterns were so bad for so long that my fear has become greater than my faith, and that's not good.  So lesson number two is to stop being so afraid of how every little thing will effect Caleb and trust in God more.  He has provided for me so completely every time I place my trust in him.  I just need to do that more often, and stop letting my mind, and my fear, get the best of me.

Tonight I am grateful that no matter how many times I repeat the same mistakes, God forgives me.  I am grateful that while my son hasn't always slept well, he is healthy, and happy, and amazing!  And if he doesn't sleep well tonight, that's okay.  There's always tomorrow.  Because the truth is, this is all part of being a momma, and it's all amazing in its own way.  One day, I'll miss waking up to hearing "mum, mum, mummmm" on the monitor and seeing Caleb's big smile when I walk in the nursery.  I'll miss the late night feedings, the snuggles as he nurses himself back to sleep, and his sweet, innocent sleeping face as I lay him back down in his crib.  One day, I'll miss being needed so much, all day AND all night.  So for now, whether we have a good sleep routine or not, I will be grateful, I will smile through it, and I will try to stop complaining about the struggles.  Because the truth is, you don't get all the good parts of being a mom without the challenging ones.  They're a package deal.  And the long nights and tired days are what make the good nights so much sweeter! This momma, sleeping or not, is blessed beyond belief.  Thank you Lord, for my little piece of Heaven and all you are teaching me through him.  May I be a more faithful woman and momma every day...

Lessons in Acceptance and Priorities

As you can tell from my lack of posts, being a first-time mommy has kept me very busy.  I've been a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) since Caleb was born and honestly feel like I've never been busier!  Between nursing throughout each day and night for ten months now, thousands of diaper and clothing changes, doctor appointments, photo sessions, swim and music lessons, nap schedules, making homemade baby food, a baptism, teething, illness, moving out of our apartment and into another home, paying bills, making meals and doing dishes, cleaning and folding laundry (which takes place almost every day since we switched to cloth diapering), picking up toys, planning a wedding, and now planning Caleb's first birthday, it seems I'm always playing catch up with my to-do lists, and I only have one kid!!!  But I know that I'm not being the best mom that I can be when I do all these things on repeat each day, focusing completely on Caleb and my mom to-do list, and forget about myself.  The days I get frustrated easily, complain a lot, or lash out at Shawn (my fiancee) are always the days (or weeks) that I haven't taken any time to do something for me, even if that's just a five-minute shower.  It's been very challenging to accept all the life changes, I won't lie about that, particularly because I wasn't ready to get pregnant when I did.  Shawn and I weren't done just dating each other yet, we weren't married, we didn't have a house, and I hadn't even picked my career yet, let alone establish it!  That said, we're happier than we ever were, there's just a lot of things we are still trying to do that are more difficult now that the baby is here.  There are so many fabulous things about being a mommy but there are also so many difficult things, the kind that take a lot of adjusting.  For me, one of the greatest adjustments has been never being able to do anything for sure, let alone easily, and not doing it on any kind of regular basis.

We won't even go into how unreliable I've become in terms of being where I'm supposed to be one time, if at all, thanks to sleepless nights and ever-changing nap schedules (thank you teething!), but simply not being able to do anything I used to love doing has been difficult.  I am a yoga instructor and I love teaching, but I haven't been able to commit to regular classes since Caleb arrived.  I have tried, but with Shawn working 65+ hours a week and never getting home on time, coupled with a baby who wants to eat from me every two hours, it didn't work well.  Even worse, I haven't been able to practice regularly.  Once I got into the groove of going two to three times a week for a month or so, but then we moved out of our apartment and now I'm too far from a studio.  I've learned that's just how parenting goes!  It seems that every time we fall into a nice groove, it changes.  What a lesson in acceptance!  I'm learning, something I think I'll continuously be learning, to stop fighting all the changes and just accept them.  This is my life right now and I'd rather enjoy it than fight it.  One day I will look back and miss when my baby was so little and I don't want to remember that I was always fighting the changes or just "trying to get through it."  So how do I enjoy it, now that I've made it sound so absolutely terrible (which by the way, it totally isn't)?!  Well, I focus on the smiles, the heart-warming giggles, the cuddles, the daily developments and huge baby milestones, the unbelievable way it feels to hold and watch my baby as I nurse him, the chubby cheeks and thighs, the sound of the most amazing word in the world - "mama," and the gift of being with him every day while he is so little instead of having to leave him with someone else.  I focus on being grateful, which helps me a lot.  Sometimes I get into a complaining rut where I feel bad for myself for not having a mom or mother-in-law around to give me a break sometimes, let alone 40 hours each week, but I quickly remind myself that if I was at work all week, I'd miss my baby all the time.  I also remind myself that even though I don't have either of Caleb's grandma's here, I have two grandfathers and two awesome great-grandmas, some rockin' aunts, a fabulous Aunt Sandie and "Nanando," and so many other awesome people in my life to love Caleb and help me out when I need it.  What you focus on becomes your reality, so I try not to focus on the challenges so much as the blessings (again, something I have to keep working at every day).

Aside from that, I also try my best to focus on myself, and Shawn.  I may not be able to make it to the yoga studio very often right now but I can roll out my mat downstairs and do a few postures when the baby naps.  Ideal?  No, and often he wakes up right after I start, but that's better than nothing!  See, becoming a mom really just takes an attitude adjustment, otherwise you'll drown in a sea of nostalgia.  Life used to be a lot easier but now it's a lot better!  Instead of focusing on all I'm missing out on, I try to shift my focus to all the cuddles, smiles, and precious little moments with my baby.  I listen to the voice inside of me that expresses the occasional need for more me time, like getting to an actual yoga class or heading over to the coffee shop to write or chat with a friend, and ask Shawn for help to see it through.  Likewise, I watch Caleb for him to get to the gym or do anything he needs to.  We are a team and we're both going through so many changes that is important to help take care of not just ourselves, but also each other.  Before there was a baby, there was a relationship.  Caleb is the by-product of my love for Shawn and his for me, and it's important to remember that.  Caleb shouldn't be #1, though many new parents often make that mistake.  It's easy to fall so in love with your little one that you forget who you are really in love with, and that's when many problems start.  I recently saw something on Pinterest that said "Spoil your spouse, not your kids!" and I really loved it.  How true, though many people have it backwards.  Trying to be Super Mom and do everything alone is also a big mistake most new moms make, one that breeds frustration with and bitterness toward the spouse/partner.  Trust me, I realized this early on and have to work on fighting the super mom urge every day!  These are easy mistakes to make but ones that aren't easy to undo.  It is so important to push myself to find the time to connect with Shawn and get out of the house together, without the baby.  It is hard at the beginning but necessary for a healthy relationship, and after just a couple times, it won't feel like just another thing on the old to-do list but something you genuinely look forward to!  Sometimes it feels like the baby changed everything, I know, but remember not to let the baby change everything.  Your partner still deserves you and your love and attention, even more than baby does.

As always, I hope some of the realizations I've had and lessons I've been learning help you in some way... Hugs!