As most of you know, I did a lot of research on labor and
made my birth plan specific to the natural birth I wanted. I wanted the
absolute best experience for my son and I wanted him to be born as healthy as
possible and alert enough to breastfeed, which often doesn't happen after
medical intervention. Being a first-time mom, I knew that all my research
aside, I had no idea what I was in for so I hired a doula to help secure a
natural birth for Caleb. I was even very adamant about my son coming at
his own time, which is why I was so quick to shoot down the doctor that
suggested an induction just two days past my due date. I wanted to
experience my body going into labor on its own just as much as I wanted Caleb
to pick his birthday, but that decision wound up being one I needed to make a
second time, when the stakes were much higher. My labor was much longer and much more painful than usual because Caleb decided not just to come at his own time, but in his own very special way. Caleb was born in a posterior position, facing up instead of down, which is so rare that less than 5% of babies are born this way. Here is our story...
I experienced my first contraction on Monday, April 15, one week after my due
date. I wasn't sure if what I was feeling was a contraction but after I
experienced the same sensation multiple times, I was pretty sure. I woke
Shawn up and we were both very excited so we decided to get things going
by taking a walk around the park. My doula had told me that before I
called her, I should do five things: eat, drink, walk, shower, and sleep.
If any of these things stopped the contractions, it was false labor. Unfortunately,
our walk took them away. Bummer. Several hours later, I
started to experience a couple contractions again that were stronger than the
first ones. We went home and I layed in bed, surprised by how much they
hurt. We had plans to walk around the park again with one of my good
friends and her fiance, but I didn't know if I'd be able to keep them. I
decided to try, knowing walking would only speed things up, but yet again they
disappeared on the walk. Shawn and I came home and ate dinner, and then
they started again, this time even stronger. They continued to get
stronger and were anywhere from 10-12 minutes apart, lasting 30 up to 70
seconds. Even though the contractions were incredibly uncomfortable I
knew they were only going to get much worse so I practiced breathing through
them and relaxing as much as possible. I had heard that contractions
start in the back and wrap around to the front but mine didn't wrap. The
only place I felt them was in my lower back, which was surprising to me, but
seeing as how they were somewhat regularly spaced and getting stronger, this
was definitely labor! I texted my doula to let her know and apologized if
I had to text/call overnight, which I had a feeling I would at this rate.
I labored with Shawn as long as I could but asked my doula, Angel, to
come over around 3:30 a.m. By this time my contractions were about eight
minutes apart. Angel asked me some questions and seemed to think I still
had quite a way to go, so she encouraged Shawn and I to try and lay down and
get some rest. Getting rest seemed impossible but we tried anyways.
Shawn quickly fell asleep but I woke him up when my next contraction hit.
I didn't want to do this alone. Contractions are scary but I tried
not to be afraid. Shawn breathed through each one with me and reminded me
to relax. Everything I had read told me that when a woman tenses and
freaks out during a contraction, her body releases adrenaline, which actually
stalls labor. I didn't want to be in pain any longer than necessary and I
was dying to meet my son so I did my best to relax. But just as my sister
Kathryn had told me, this was much easier said than done. In fact, it was
the hardest thing I had ever done up to this point in my life. The immediate
reaction when a contraction hit was to tense up and grab onto Shawn but I
recited the word "relax" in my mind, and also the words my doula had
told me to: "soften and open." The contractions were helping
me, they were softening and opening my cervix, and in order for them to do
their job I needed to do mine. I needed to breath and stay calm. I
needed to surrender to them rather than fight them, but the back pain I was
experiencing made this harder and harder each time. I walked out
into the living room and had to brace myself against the dining room table as
another one took hold. My
doula got up from the couch and asked me if she could try something. She firmly pressed into the sides of
my hips with her palms and although this maneuver certainly didn’t take the pain
away, it did something. In
a way I think creating pressure somewhere else distracted my mind from the pain
in my back but it also seemed to lessen it ever so slightly. During the next contraction she ran
her fingers firmly down my back from top to bottom. This felt good too, as good as it
could get for being in labor. I
wondered how far along I was and tried to keep waiting as long as possible but
the contractions were gradually getting more intense and were now about five
minutes apart. I walked as
much as possible but it was almost impossible now. The best I could do at this point was
stand. Sitting, laying,
walking, standing – it made no difference. There was no relief. I tried to sit on the exercise ball,
knowing this helps move contractions along, but I couldn’t bear it. I also tried getting down on all fours
but that was just as terrible. Two
hours and 45 minutes after Angel arrived, we decided to go to the hospital and
get checked in.
I was a little
nervous to leave the house, not sure how much progress I’d made, and I was
dreading the car ride. Every
bump felt like it was going to be the death of me and staying
calm took much more effort. We
arrived at Mercy about 7 a.m. but the midwife wasn’t there yet. I was shown into a room with a jacuzzi
tub, which was awesome because I really wanted one but only four rooms have
them. The nurse who showed
us to our room and got my paperwork started was super nice and I felt really
comfortable with her. Awesome start. I'd never been in a hospital
for me so I expected to be very anxious and afraid, yet somehow I
succeeded in staying calm. I changed into a gown and Angel set up the
table by my bed with my focal point, a picture of my mom, my coconut water,
suckers, and the baby book. The nurse told us we were free to walk around
if we wanted, and since laboring on your back is the worst thing you can do, we
walked! I was surprised that my contractions had no stopped at all, since
I had heard it does for many women when they arrive at the hospital, a place
they don't usually feel comfortable. I was doing good staying positive
and focused, breathing, and not letting my fear get the best of me, which was
reassuring! As we walked the contractions got closer and closer, and they
hurt more and more. The pain shooting across my lower back was
almost unbearable. It was hard to stand but there was nothing else to do
so I just grabbed onto Shawn and did the best I could to breath through it.
When my midwife arrived she told us we could go back to the room and
she'd be right in to check me. I was a bit nervous but also excited, as I
had to be pretty far along by now. When Kim, my midwife, came in, the
nurse already had me hooked up to the monitors and ready to go. Kim
explained what she was going to do, which was barely uncomfortable at all, and
then told me that I was 80% softened and two centimeters dilated. TWO
CENTIMETERS! What? How could that be. The look on my face
must've said it all. I was crushed. Kim immediately tried to
reassure me that I was doing great and had already done a lot of hard work.
She told me that a woman's first labor is always the longest
and that early labor, which I was apparently still in, can last days.
This devestated me much more than it helped. I couldn't do this for
days. No way. "How could this be?!" I asked.
"I've been in labor for a day already and the contractions are
stronger and stronger and closer and closer together?" Kim
answered: “What’s happening right now is that your cervix hasn’t moved forward
yet, which is why you’re not dilating. The baby’s head needs to push on
the cervix during contractions in order for it to open, but your cervix is
still really far back. This isn’t anything you can control and you aren’t
doing anything wrong. A lot of women find themselves in this situation
and it just takes time.” She paused, obviously noticing how disappointed
and discouraged I looked, not to mention the tears flooding my eyes. “I
know you probably feel very disappointed but you shouldn’t be. You’ve
done a lot of great work so far and early labor is the longest stage. Now
there are some things I can do to speed the process along, but knowing your
plan for a natural birth I’m hesitant to do that. One thing I can do
though, if you’re up for it, is pull your cervix forward during a contraction
or two. That’s usually enough to get it to stay put and your contractions
will become more effective at dilating you.” “Is that painful?” I
asked. “No more uncomfortable than the exam I just gave you, really.”
“Okay, well let’s try that.” I was a little scared but I needed to do
what I needed to do to get my son out. “She told me to relax and take a
deep breath and what I immediately felt was definitely uncomfortable. As
she held my cervix there, waiting for a contraction, I started to not
feel well. I kept breathing but I felt a little nauseous and told her
that. “Scratch that, I feel very nauseous.” My legs started to
shake and I suddenly felt weak and a little light-headed. “I really don’t
feel well,” I told her. She slid her hand out and I felt extremely close
to passing out. The nurse got me a cold compress for my head and
someone else handed me a bucket to throw up into if I needed it. Kim then
offered me some juice, which I happily accepted. She gave me a minute to
feel better and apparently my coloring came back. “So your cervix was
pretty stuck back there and fought me to go back, but at the end it seemed like
it might stay put. I would’ve held it forward longer but you obviously
didn’t feel well. So, let me give you all your options" Shawn
and Angel listened as intently as I did. “If you want to stay at the
hospital, I'm totally fine with that. I can break your water and that
will really get things going. However, hospitals expect progress of one
centimeter an hour and if that doesn’t happen, they’ll want to intervene.
Knowing your wishes for a natural birth, I’m not sure that’s the best choice
for you. I’m also very concerned about your level of fatigue. You
haven’t slept in over 24 hours and you haven’t eaten much. Your body is
already weak and tired, which we just saw when I tried to hold your cervix
forward, and that concerns me because you still have such a long way to
go.” I listened intently but could feel all the emotion bubbling up
inside of me. I was so overwhelmed. “I just can’t believe I’m only
two centimeters. I’ve already labored for over 24 hours and the back pain
has been insane. If it took that much to only dilate two centimeters, I
don’t think I can do this," I admitted, starting to cry. "I
wanted a natural birth so bad, but my God, how will I ever get to 10?!” Eeryone
seemed to understand my feelings. Angel jumped in and reemphasized that I
shouldn’t be disappointed. “I understand how upsetting this is Kim but
you shouldn’t feel like you can’t do this anymore. The first four
centimeters are the hardest, everyone knows that, and you work the most for
them. You’re already halfway through that! After four, your body
just kind of cruises through the rest, and some women go from 6 to 8 or 9
centimeters in an hour or so! Don’t think about what lays ahead right
now.” I knew she was right, but it was so hard to do. Kim added:
“Honey, you've done so much hard work already and you've really come such a
long way, whether it feels like it or not. I know you’re discouraged but
early labor just takes time. I think that at this point, knowing your
wishes, the best thing you can do is to go home, take a couple Tylenol pm
tablets, eat a big meal, and try to get some sleep. Your body will be so
much more rested and prepared for labor if you do that.” I really didn’t
want to go home. Here I thought I had waited extra long at the house and
labored much further so I wouldn’t be one of the women who get sent home.
I kept pushing and pushing until I was absolutely certain I should go to the
hospital, just to find out I was only two centimeters. It was so
disappointing. I felt like such a failure, I felt weak, and now I felt
completely unsure of whether or not I could have a natural birth after
all. “How could I possibly sleep through this, though?” I asked my
midwife. “If I can barely breathe through the contractions, there’s no
way I can sleep, and there certainly isn’t enough time for me to fall asleep in
between them.” She responded, “That’s what the Tylenol pm is for.
It will take the edge off of the back pain and allow you to fall asleep.
Just take two. Then, whenever you wake up, I want you to call me and
we’ll see where you’re at.” She studied my face, clearly searching for
something to say that might make this a little less disappointing and
overwhelming. The compassion in her eyes and her willingness to share her
own story truly touched me. “Like I said, there’s plenty of options and
you’re more than welcome to stay here, but based on your birth plan and your
level of fatigue, I’m not sure if that’s the best option right now. The
choice is yours, but I’ll tell you that when I was in labor, I hadn’t slept
either and I labored all night. When I got to the hospital the next
morning, I was only one centimeter dilated. I was heartbroken. They
sent me home but I wanted to keep it going so I kept walking and moving instead
of resting. I had contractions all day, overnight, and went back to the
hospital the next morning. I hadn’t slept or eaten much in over two days
and my body was so weak. I literally had nothing left by the time I
needed to push. If I could go back and do it again, I would’ve tried to
rest in between. You really will need it, and it’ll make your body better
able to what it needs and you better able to actually enjoy your baby’s
birth.” I let out a big sigh and a few more tears. I knew Kim was
right but this was still so hard. I looked over at Shawn and he looked
just as disappointed, not to mention as exhausted, as I did. “I really
don’t want to go home. We’re already here, all set up, I like my nurse
and I got a room with a tub. I’m here to have my baby and I told myself
the next time I walked through my front door it would be with my baby, but
apparently that’s not the way this is supposed to pan out. I really don’t
think I’ll be able to sleep and I’m surprised I could be in this much pain in
early labor, it makes me very scared of what’s up ahead, but I guess I have no
choice besides to go home and try to rest.” Kim told me that she’d give
me a few minutes to discuss the decision with Shawn and Angel. Shawn
understood how discouraged I was but based on what Kim had said, he felt going
home was probably best. I desperately needed rest and a good meal.
Angel emphasized how nice it was that Kim was giving us so many options and
said it was clear how much she cared about me and respected my birth
plan. She agreed with both Kim and Shawn that going home and resting would
probably be best, and told us she’d come back over as soon as we needed
her. I went inside myself for a moment and tried to connect with
Caleb. Tears flooded my face as I looked at my mother’s picture in front
of me. I no longer knew if I could do this, but at the moment it didn’t
matter. My contractions were subsiding, probably because of how upset I
had gotten, so going home was probably best. I’d be more comfortable
there and if the contractions were slowing, perhaps I would actually be able to
get some rest. I didn’t want to leave the hospital, I just wanted to meet
my son. I had been so patient already but apparently Caleb needed a
little more time. This was my second test. I had the option to
force the birth, to make my body and Caleb be ready, but I didn’t want to do
that. In my own head I heard a little voice say, “Not yet, mommy.
I’m almost ready, but not quite.” Okay,
little buddy, I’ll do whatever you need. I looked at Angel, then at
Shawn, and through my tears and disappointment told them, “Okay, let’s
go.”
Angel
began to pack up my bag, Shawn helped me change back into my clothes, and when
Kim stopped back in I told her I decided to go home. She smiled, clearly
happy, and told me to call her whenever I woke up. We said goodbye to Angel in
the parking ramp and I dragged myself to the car. The minute Shawn closed
the door on me, I burst into tears. I can’t believe I was going home,
going home without my baby. I labored at home so much longer than I would
have to ensure this didn’t happen. Shawn got into the car, looked at me,
and pulled me in for a big hug. I told him how disappointed I was, how
worried I was that I might not be able to do this after all, and how much pain
I was still experiencing in my back. “Honey, what’s the one thing you
really wanted to do before Caleb was born that you didn’t?” “Go see my
mom?” I asked. “Yes, so let’s go see her.” All I wanted was to go
home and be where I feel safe and comfortable, I really didn’t feel like
running around but I knew Shawn was right. “We are actually very close,”
I told him. “Maybe that’s why Caleb didn’t come yet honey.” He
began to drive and I was left to my own thoughts. I couldn’t even deal
with looking at my cellphone or telling my family what had happened. I
was still too dissappointed and overwhelmed. When we arrived at the
cemetery Shawn pulled over near my mom’s plot and we walked over
together. I knelt down, Shawn put his arms around me, and I released my
tears along with my feelings. I spoke outloud to my mother, telling her I
needed her to be here, telling her how overwhelmed and disappointed I
was. I asked her to be with me and to guide me throughout the rest of my
labor. I begged for her help and her strength. I told her I loved
her and that I missed her, and then got up to leave. The dreary, rainy
day matched my mood, but if it was nicer I might’ve stayed longer. My
back was killing me and I knew I needed food so Shawn and I hugged and then
walked back to the car. We passed Wayside on our way back to the thruway,
a diner that was my grandma and late grandfather’s favorite. I didn’t
feel like being in public at all but I needed food fast and cooking wasn’t an
option. I was afraid of having contractions at the restaurant but
hopefully we could get in and out. It was almost 2:00 p.m. so I couldn’t
imagine it would be busy. We were shown to a booth and ordered
quickly. I did have quite a few contractions and noticed a few people
looking at me as I shifted the weight off of my bottom in an effort to
alleviate my back pain. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply but my face
was twisted in pain and discomfort. Shawn looked like he felt terrible,
other people looked at my like I was crazy, and all I wanted to do was go
home. Luckily our food came fast and I devoured almost all of my cinnamon
French toast quicker than I’ve ever eaten anything. We stopped at a Rite
Aid on our way home to grab the Tylenol pm and they were out. Of course
they were. Next we stopped at a 7-11 and they didn’t carry it.
Being in the car when I was so uncomfortable was getting really old. I
just wanted to go home. Our last stop was at Tops and they didn’t have it
either but they had a generic version so we just grabbed that. I took it
before we were ever out of the parking lot. When we arrived home I told
Shawn to leave the hospital bags and everything in the car. I assumed
we’d be going back very soon. When we walked up the stairs and opened the
door, reality sunk in and the tears returned. I looked at Shawn and said,
“I told myself the next time I walked through this door I’d be holding my
son.” He held me as I cried, understanding and sharing my
disappointment. “Let’s just go lay down and try to get you comfortable
honey.” We did lay down and it took me a while to fall asleep, but I did
manage to dose off for almost two hours. When we woke up, I called Kim
and let her know that I was barely having any contractions anymore and they
were much weaker. I was disappointed by this but almost a little relieved
to be out of pain for the moment. She was happy to hear I was
experiencing some relief and encouraged me to rest as much as possible, rather
than walking or doing anything to jump-start labor again. She told me
that she hoped I could sleep through the night and then get up and get things
started tomorrow, but also told me that labor usually starts overnight.
“If the contractions wake you up, try to sleep through them.” I still
think this is not only crazy, but impossible. “If they are too strong and
things progress quickly, give us a call and head back to the hospital.
I’ll be there tomorrow too.” I was relieved to know she would be working
again, since she had been so caring and concerned with my birth plan.
After I hung up with Kim, Shawn and I made pasta and settled in to watch a
movie, which really helped to take my mind off things, and I was amazed that
the contractions had almost completely dissappeared. I guess that really
was just early labor, and if it was, I was in for a much bigger challenge than
I thought.
Around 10 p.m. I told Shawn we should get ready for bed. I brushed my
teeth, washed my face, through on pajamas and crawled into bed, and within
about 20 minutes of trying to fall asleep, the contractions came back, with a
vengeance. They were strong immediately, though still fairly far apart,
but these contractions were distinctly different. I still felt the
majority of pain in my back, though it was significantly worse than the first
round of contractions, but I also felt these in my front. Perhaps Kim had
succeeded in pulling my cervix forward, or maybe my body did that on its own,
but I definitely felt these contractions where I had a feeling I was supposed
to. The contractions I felt
on the front-side of my body were totally doable but the ones in my low back
were not. These ones were even worse than before and I could not believe
how unbelievably painful they were and how quickly they got
worse. I haven’t tried to describe the way they felt to several people
and I just can’t do it. At first I said that it was like someone was
stabbing a hundred knives in my low back but that wasn’t an accurate
description at all. I've decided describing what it felt like is
impossible but it is the worst thing I’ve ever felt, by far, and I don’t ever
want to experience it again. I didn't find out until much later why I
experienced so much back labor and why mine was more severe than
most.
This second round of contractions came with a
slew of other sensations as well. I felt nauseous, shaky, and weak all
over again. As I lay in bed waiting for the next one, I got very
cold. My legs started to shake uncontrollably and I didn’t know that was
because I was cold or simply due to all the hormones. Shawn got my old
down comforter out of the closet to layer over our other comforter and helped
me get into one of his hoodies. When a contraction struck, I immediately
got hot. I would kick off all the blankets and try not to toss and turn
as the contraction took hold. Shawn would jump up and turn the fan on for
me, rushing back to my side as quickly as possible to wrap his arms around me
and help me breath. He said some great things, like "Don't be afraid
honey. They can't hurt you unless you let them." In my
downtime, which was getting smaller and smaller, I prayed for the strength to
keep going. When a contraction got really bad, some were so much worse
than others, I prayed the same words my mom did when her cancer took over:
“Jesus, I trust in you.” I reminded myself of what she always told me, “God
never gives us more than we can handle,” and tried to trust my body’s ability
to do what it needed to birth my son and my ability to let that happen. I
continued to labor in bed as long as I could, knowing I should get up and walk
to get Caleb out sooner but feeling completely unable to do so. The
contractions were strong enough as it was and the thought of walking, or even
standing, was unbearable. I wriggled in pain but tried to remain still
and let the contraction do its job. I turned my focus inward and breathed
as slowly and deeply as possible. Within 45 minutes of these contractions
starting they were significantly stronger and closer together.
They were all equally strong now with a few extra strong ones that
I actually felt opening my cervix (I know this sounds crazy but yoga
has made me super self-aware and incredibly in tune with my body). It was
such a weird sensation. I wanted to labor a while on my own before
calling my doula again but it didn’t seem like that was going to happen.
The contractions were about six minutes apart already and so strong I couldn’t
talk through them, which is exactly what Kim told me they needed to be
like. Angel arrived at 12:20 a.m. and I managed to get out of bed and
greet her. She asked how I was feeling and noticed the obvious difference
as she watched the contractions wash over me. Breathing took much more
effort, I was no longer able to talk during them, and I felt completely drained
when they ended. I tried standing and the pain was almost unspeakable.
Getting on the ball made me immediately jump off in pain and I fell to all
fours. That was almost as bad, so I squirmed onto the couch. Holy
cow! “Breath honey, Shawn reminded me,” and I could hear Angel loudly,
slowly breathing to help me do the same. I was successful at letting the
majority of contractions wash over me and do what they needed to do without
tightening my body or wriggling in pain, but I didn’t win every battle.
Some took me by surprise and scared the crap out of me and I grabbed onto Shawn
for dear life. He could instantly tell which ones were the worst, and the
longest. Most of them were a minute or minute and a half, but some were
two! I now lived for the initial moments after a contraction ended, when
the relief sunk in. I loved this time more than when I was between
contractions because when I was in between them it was a false sense of relief,
as I knew the next contraction was on its way. It loomed over my head, my
inevitable fate, but the time when one ended was the sweetest time there
was. Relief. Angel encouraged us to try laying down again and rest
but that didn’t work. At this point, laying down gave me nothing to do
but think about the contractions and somehow it gave each one more power.
I asked Shawn to turn on my positive affirmations for birth video, the one I
had found on YouTube that was set to relaxing, soothing music. Each one
had a picture of nature, or a baby, and said things such as “Relax,” “Birth is
a normal, natural process. I trust my body and my baby,” and “Labor
cannot be stronger than me because it IS me.” I breathed deeply through
the contractions, allowing the rhythm of life to flow through me. Caleb
was on his way. My body was helping him come. I tried to connect with
Caleb. I told him I was doing my best to meet him as soon as
possible. When a super strong contraction came on, one I wanted to fight
or get up and run from, I asked Caleb to help me. I was trying to relax
and I hoped he was trying to come out. I relaxed as deeply as I could,
doing nothing but breathing and clearing my mind, and it was the hardest thing
I’ve ever done. It only got harder. I managed to walk back out to
the dining room and braced the table as another contraction took me over.
Angel and Shawn stood around the table and I felt them staring, so I asked them
to talk. Normally I do all the talking (anyone who knows me even casually
can attest to this), but I couldn’t at this point and at least listening might
help distract me from the pain. There was silence as they each tried to
think of what to say. “Something guys, anything,” I spewed. “Um, so
I made some really good miso soup tonight,” Angel said, and I wished I could
laugh. We laughed about it on my couch a week later at my postpartum
visit, when it was much easier to laugh! Angel or Shawn pushed on my
hips almost every contraction. If they didn’t, I asked them to. It
wasn’t too much help, but it was something. I asked Angel when we should
think about heading to the hospital and she told me it was really up to me, and
that I was obviously further along than last time. I told her I was
scared to go back, afraid that I’d be only two or three centimeters.
“Well, we know you’re not two, because you’ve had a lot of contractions since
you were two centimeters and they are much stronger now. She said that we
should hope for four or five centimeters when we got to the hospital, but who
knows, maybe I’d even be six. She reminded me that the first four are the
hardest and that I was doing great. I told her I was dreaming of getting
into the Jacuzzi tub and that I wanted to head there now so I could get into
it, mostly because I was still so cold and shaky. At this point, I
imagined the tub with hot jets shooting at my back would feel something like
Heaven, but I didn’t want to go there yet because I was too afraid the same
thing would happen again. Angel asked if I felt up to taking a
shower. I told her not really, but that I would try. She thought
the hot water hitting my back would feel good, and that if nothing else, the
shower might relax me. I was too shaky and afraid to shower alone so
Shawn got in with me and held me as the water ran over my back. He
must’ve been freezing and I apologized for hogging all the water but he didn’t
seem to care. He had goosebumps everywhere yet the look of concern
in his eyes ran so deep that I could tell he didn't care about that or
anything besides me. He loves me so much and I tried not to cry with
gratitude as I thought of what an amazing job he was doing. He had
already far exceeded my expectations, enough that I was willing to overlook the
few times he fell asleep on me and left me to face the contractions
alone. I knew he was exhausted too. The shower didn’t last long and
I had three contractions while we were in there. When we got out Shawn
quickly helped me dry off and get back into clothes. We returned to the
dining room and I asked if I could sit down. I told Angel I knew I should
walk or sit on the ball but at this point I just wanted to sit. Shawn
grabbed a yogurt from the fridge and they asked if I was hungry. “We’re
going to be heading to the hospital soon, so you should try to eat
something. Does anything sound good?” Nothing did. I was
still nauseous, but if I didn’t want to be on an IV, I knew I should try.
I had done an amazing job of staying hydrated, thanks to Shawn constantly
holding the water bottle or coconut water to my mouth in between contractions,
but food was another story. He grabbed me some fruit salad but I was only
able to take a could of bites. Too acidic. He asked about a bagel,
and I told him I would try. One bite was all I managed to get in. I
kept thinking about the hospital and I had a feeling it was time to go.
Fear was the only thing holding me back, but my mother taught me to never make
any decision out of fear. I was so afraid to hear I was only three or
four centimeters. I told Angel we should go soon, and God knows I
couldn’t wait to get into the tub, but I was a little concerned that although
the contractions were so much stronger than before, they weren’t much closer
than five minutes. Weren’t they supposed to get so close that they were
only a minute or two apart? God, I couldn’t even think of it.
I tried hard not to project into the future or think about the inevitable end
that awaited me, pushing this baby out, but it was hard. Stay present Kim, stay
focused. Right now, this contraction, is all that matters. I
felt the need to go to the bathroom and when I did, I wiped away what looked
like a little blood. It wasn’t much, but I knew this was a good
sign. I told Angel. Back on the couch Shawn and Angel asked if I
was getting ready to go. I was still so hesitant. I had a great
experience at the hospital the first time, before Kim told me I was only two
centimeters, but now I felt nervous and a little scared. I was dreading
the car ride most of all. It was terrible the first time but now that my
contractions were so much closer and stronger, I couldn’t imagine breathing
through them in the car, especially as we hit pothole after pothole. The
roads from our house to Mercy were the worst, but I knew I had to do it.
Before we left, I had to go to the bathroom again and this time I knew what I
was my the notorious "bloody show." I told Angel. “That’s
a great sign Kim!” She was so enthusiastic. “Do you think your
water broke yet?” “No, it definitely didn’t.” “That’s okay,” she
said, reminding me that some women’s never does. When we returned to the
living room Shawn said he thought we should head to the hospital and Angel had
to agree, so long as I felt ready. I couldn’t put it off forever, and the
tub was my motivation to bear the car ride. “What time is it?” I
asked. “Almost 4 a.m.,” Angel answered. “We’ve been laboring here
for three and a half hours.” “Okay, let’s go.”
Shawn grabbed the few things we had brought in from the car and helped me get
my sneakers on. I slowly made my way down the stairs and to the
car. Before I could get to the door, a strong contraction hit me and I
grabbed onto Shawn. He knew immediately what had happened, dropped the
bags, and tried pushing on my hips as I held onto him. It didn’t work well since he was in
front of me rather than behind but I appreciated the effort. All I could do once we got in the car
was breathe. I didn’t even
bother turning on soothing music like I had on the first car ride. I just wanted to get there and get it
over with. I snapped at
Shawn almost every bump, and each time he asked me where he was going. Hadn’t we driven this route several
times, oh ya know, and yesterday?! Breathing
was getting hard, talking even harder, and every bump we hit or hard stop made
me think the devil himself had a personal vendetta against me. When we finally arrived, I told Shawn
to pull up the valet, although no one was standing there. We waited a minute or two and when no
one came but another contraction did, I told Shawn just to park in the
ramp. The next contraction
was so bad I asked him to pull over in the ramp and just focus with me. That one was brutal. Then I told him to hurry up and
park. The second floor has
a bridge that connects to the hospital so we parked there, a couple spots over
from Angel. I breathed
through another contraction and then got out of the car. Shawn and Angel carried
everything. It was freezing
cold, somewhere between 30 and 40 degrees, and I felt terrible that I couldn’t
walk any faster than a snail. Everything
was tight and uncomfortable. As
we walked up the ramp leading to the bridge I grabbed onto a railing and braced
myself. Angel and Shawn
stood there waiting for it to pass as I turned inward and tried my best to
relax and breath. This
drive and walk were killing me. Apparently
that’s the downside to laboring so long at home. I wished I could twitch my nose like
Genie and be in the hospital room, but I still had quite a ways to walk. Damn valet! I pulled on the door to the bridge and
it didn’t open. I tried
again. Are you kidding me?! I noticed a sign that said the bridge was
closed overnight. You MUST be kidding me. Angel and Shawn looked as aggravated
as me, but they weren’t the ones in labor! I had no choice but to keep
walking. We got into the
elevator and slowly made our way, between contractions, across the street and
up to the entrance of the hospital. I
noticed a guy with a valet uniform on and wanted to attack him but I didn’t
have the energy. We slowly
walked past the front desk and I ignored the man who asked why we were here and
if we knew where we were going. I’m
breathing through a contraction here buddy! I let Shawn and Angel deal with
him. We took the elevator
up to the maternity floor and headed to check in. A woman saw us enter, a nurse who is
apparently a friend of Angel’s. She
greeted us and I smiled as big as I could and said hello. Another contraction took over my body
and nearly crippled me. The
pain shot up my vagina, around my stomach and across my lower back. I felt it everywhere. I grabbed onto Shawn and clung for
deal life. The nurse
stopped talking and watched as I made no noise and breathed as one with
Shawn. When it was over,
she ushered us into the room I would soon deliver my son in.
The first thing I
asked was if the room had a tub, which Thank God it did, and that was all I
could manage to get out. I sat down on the bed and the room was
immediately flooded with a team of nurses who got me set up, dressed in a
hospital gown, hooked up the monitor, and asked me a slew of questions about my
contractions, how I was feeling, if I had my bloody show and whether or not my
water had broken. It was overwhelming how much was happening. It
seemed like they didn’t understand I was having contractions, strong ones, ones
that were no longer very far apart. Another nurse came in and introduced
herself, telling me she was going to check and see how dilated I was. The
moment of truth. I said a quick prayer, opened my legs when she
instructed me to, and tried to relax. What she did didn’t hurt, which shocked
me, and I was happy to hear her say I was seven centimeters and 100%
thinned. “Wait,” she said as she continued to feel around. “Nope,
she’s eight centimeters for sure. Good job, honey,” she said, looking at
me. “Honey, you did it!” Shawn said. I tried to smile as I
breathed through the beginning of another contraction. The news that I
was so far along sent all the nurses into a frantic state. Paperwork
started flying at me and I began to sign my life away, barely able to
understand what I was signing. I couldn’t believe how much was going on
at once. One nurse was asking me questions about my medical history,
another was getting my arm ready for the hep trap (which I didn’t want but
decided to give in to), another was adjusting the monitors on my belly, and Angel
and Shawn were getting everything set up. The contractions felt worse
laying down, much stronger, and I asked Shawn to stand by the bed and hold my
hand. When a nurse asked him to move so I could sign more papers, I asked
her if there was any way he could stay so she worked around him. I needed
him, end of story. Angel walked over to the bedside and told me how proud
she was of me. “You did it,” she said. “You got your natural
birth!” I was past the point of being able to receive an epidural so I
knew she was right, but I began to wonder if I would want that epidural when it
came time to push. The thought of pushing an entire baby out from between
my legs still scared the crap out of me! It seemed like forever before
the nurse I really liked, the one who cried when she asked about the picture of
my mom and I told her she had passed 10 years ago from breast cancer, asked if
I wanted to get into the tub. THANK GOD!! I decided to
go in dressed in the hospital gown, figuring I’d be more comfortable if I
wasn’t exposed, and immediately slid into the hot water. It felt as
heavenly as I expected and I felt my body instantly relax. The warmth
surrounded me and the chills I had had throughout my labor immediately
subsided. At this moment, everything was okay and nothing else
mattered. I had no idea what day it was, what time it was, how much
longer I needed to labor or how the heck I was going to push this baby out but
none of that mattered right now. I was in labor-land. This Jacuzzi
bath was my hard-earned reward for nearly two days of back labor and nothing
was going to take that from me. I didn’t even care what still laid ahead
and thinking about it was only going to prohibit my ability to enjoy this
little bit of reprieve from the intensity of my back pain. This was my
time to relax, this was the calm before the storm, and I was taking my
opportunity to relax! I had read that Jacuzzi tubs are often used in
natural births to help take the edge off the pain but one of my girlfriends
recently labored in one and said that was the biggest load of
crap she ever heard. For her, it did nothing. For me, it did
everything! I had to keep my right forearm out of the water because of
the hep trap, so I let it drape over the edge of the tub and Shawn held my
hand. Both he and Angel watched me but my eyes were closed most of the
time and I was unaware of anything besides the deep state of relaxation I was
experiencing. It was as if I was the only one in the room and I was in
some sort of suspended state of reality, almost like a space-time
continuum. I could still feel contractions but barely. My body was
so unbelievably exhausted from all the work it had already done that it just
melted into the tub. Now, rather than turning inward to focus on each contraction
and breathe through it, I turned inward all the time. I was in a
meditative state, one where I breathed deeply, allowed my body to relax from
fingertips to toes no matter what it was experiencing, and I did not
think. The moment a thought entered my mind, like how much longer did I
have to go or how was I ever going to get through pushing Caleb out, I let that
thought go. Giving away my peace to the future or any thought whatsoever
was not an option. I had worked too hard for this moment and I wasn’t
going to let this peace pass me by. Shawn later told me that I looked so
out of it in the tub that he honestly would’ve thought I was laced out on
drugs. In many ways, I felt like I was. The tub truly was a natural
painkiller for me. Before long, which I was later told was just over an
hour, I felt a different sensation. I was starting to feel the
contractions a little bit more and although I didn’t quite feel ready to start
pushing, I almost did. The baby felt lower and I instinctively knew I
wasn’t far from meeting my son. It was almost time to push him out. I opened my eyes, shifted onto my
side, and told Shawn and I Angel that I felt like I was almost ready to
push. Angel got my towel ready and Shawn stood up to help me out.
It amazed me that without any drugs, I was able to connect with my body
throughout my labor and listen to what it was telling me. I have
obviously never given birth before and have no idea what to do it amazed me
that my body did. It told me it was time to get out of the tub and I
listened.
The
nurse came back to check on me just as I was getting out and Angel told her I
felt almost ready to push. She helped me get out of my hospital gown and
into a dry one. I was soaked in sweat from the heat of the tub so Angel
wiped my face and then helped me over to the bed. I immediately crawled
into it and shifted onto my left side just in time for the next contraction to
take hold. “Shawn!” I called him over and grabbed onto his
hand. This one was bad but maybe it only felt worse because I no longer
had the heat and jets to distract me. We got through it and the nurses
hooked me back up to the monitors. I closed my eyes and relaxed
thoroughly between each one. I no longer had very much time before the
next. The next contraction crept up on me and as it increased in
intensity, it did something I did not expect. It shook my whole body,
mostly my stomach, as it began to push the baby downward. I launched at
Shawn, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, unable to relax. I was
petrified. What was
happening? Then I
remembered what Angel had said about the contractions changing at the very end
of labor. She said that once they had fully opened the cervix, they would
begin to push the baby down. I felt my whole uterus contract and shake,
and was unable to stop my body from shaking and squirming with it. These
contractions were less painful than the other ones but much scarier and intense
in a whole different way. I got scared almost each time one struck and
Shawn tried to soothe me while I did the best I could to breathe. Nurses
began to flood the room, checking my vitals, checking the baby’s heartrate and
monitoring the contractions. I heard a familiar voice and opened my eyes
to see one of the doctors from my practice walking in.
Shawn and I had met her once. She reintroduced herself and explained she
was going to check me. “She’s 10 centimeters.” I looked over at
Angel and Shawn, who were both smiling. Here I was, at the end. My
body had done it. I had done it. The only thing left to do was push
my son out. My body was already preparing itself by pushing him lower and
I could feel the changing sensations. I felt a large amount of pressure
much lower than I had before. The door opened again and another woman
introduced herself. She asked me if my water had broken and I said I
didn't think so. She checked and confirmed that it hadn't, and asked if
she could break it to get the pushing started. It was done before I knew
it and it didn't hurt at all. The next contraction began shortly after
and I felt something very different again. This was it – the urge to
push. “I think I feel like I need to push,” I told Angel. She told
the nurse, who said she was going to go get the other nurses. Angel told
me to go ahead and push, and a nurse named Jill who had been assigned to me
said the same thing. It wasn’t going to do anything at this point and I’d
need the practice. I had no idea what I was doing and I grunted as I
tried to do what I thought was push. I realized I tensed my face and my
stomach but I didn’t actually feel like I did anything. I told the nurse
and asked her to explain to me how pushing worked. She told me that I
needed to wait for a contraction to get strong and then try to relax my face
and really bear down. She said that I would feel a lot of pressure, a
pressure that would eventually turn into burning, and that unfortunately I
needed to push through that. Fantastic. I wasn’t quite sure
I understood but I was determined to do the best I could! The only way I
was going to meet my son was if I could figure it out. The fact that I
had to push during a contraction
overwhelmed me since it was hard enough just to breathe through them, but it
ended up being “easier” than I thought. You feel a contraction start but
you don’t actually feel its intensity because you’re so focused on pushing and
the feeling of that sensation completely takes over. As another
contraction started, Angel grabbed my right leg and Jill grabbed my left.
They bent my legs toward my chest and I pulled them closer. Jill told me
to take a deep breath in and then push the best I could. I did, but I was
certain I didn’t do it right. She explained that after the deep inhale, I
should push as hard as I could for at least 8-10 seconds, then take another
breath and do it again. She told me we wanted three good pushes during
each contraction. I was surprised no one else and no doctor was in the
room since I was clearly about to have a baby, but apparently everyone else
knew something I did not – pushing takes a while, especially for first time
moms. Looking back, now that I know what a push is supposed to feel like,
I realize that about 45 minutes of the hour and 20 minutes or so that I was
“pushing” were a complete waste of time. I was doing nothing more than
tensing my face and thinking “Push!” in my head. Honestly. I told
Jill, in between contractions, that I felt like I had no idea what I was doing,
and not only did I not want to waste my time, I certainly didn’t want to
prolong the process. I asked her to explain more thoroughly what it was
supposed to feel like and what I was supposed to do, and Shawn later laughed at
me for “doing my research” and trying to push "right" even
as I was in the midst strong contractions and pushing our son out! As
soon as I felt the next contraction coming, I informed the girls what was
happening, knowing it was almost time to start pushing again. Jill looked
at the screen and said “Yep, let’s go” and grabbed my foot. She told me
to wait for the contraction to get a little stronger. When it did, I took
a deep breath in and then pushed as long and hard as I could. I did it
three times. “That’s it, that’s what we want!” Jill told me.
I could definitely feel the difference. That was harder, there was more
pressure, and I felt like I was almost pushing through my butt, which is
exactly what I had read it would feel like. I relaxed and breathed as
much as possible between the contractions to conserve my energy. I talked
to no one and no one talked to me. Shawn held my hand. I opened my
eyes and looked at the picture of mother sitting on the table at the end of my
bed. My inspiration. Please
help me, Mom, I thought, please help me getting this baby out quickly and
safely. Within a couple minutes I felt another contraction
coming. “Ok, I’m ready.” It made me smile inside that they didn’t
need the monitors at all or to waste their time telling me when to push.
I was the only monitor they needed. It amazed me the way my body knew when
a contraction was coming since I didn’t have any pain medication. I felt
everything. My body spoke and I answered. The conversation amazed
me. The monitors served no purpose. I told the nurse when a
contraction was coming and I pushed through it the best I could.
I could now feel when the push wasn’t as effective as I intended, and I could
tell when one was really good. It was all about bearing down and pushing
as hard as possible through all the pressure. I couldn’t believe how much
pressure I felt and how low! Jill asked if I wanted to use a
mirror. She told me it might help me understand, now that the head was
visible, exactly what I needed to do. Seeing it would help me get
it. The look on my face probably gave her my answer. I had not
planned to use a mirror and the thought had always grossed me out. I’m
not good with blood and I couldn’t imagine this was a sight I wanted to
see. She asked if we could just try it once and said that if I didn’t
like it, we could forget about it. I agreed and she wheeled it
over. “Shawn, don’t look! Keep your head facing this way and
just look at me!” Angel laughed and it didn’t seem like Shawn had any
intention of looking anyways. We had already discussed that several
times. Another contraction came and I prepared myself. As soon as I
began to push, I noticed my eyes were closed. It was so hard not to close
them. My whole face was scrunched up and tense and I never succeeded at
relaxing it. I’m not sure how anyone does. But at least I was still
pushing the way I was supposed to and not just tensing my face without doing
anything else. I took a deep breath and pushed again. This time I
opened my eyes and stared at a little piece of my baby's head. Oh, my, gosh. That’s my son, that’s Caleb. I
couldn’t believe it. He was so close. Inhale. Again.
“Yes!” Jill said with excitement. “That’s it Kim, right
there. Keep going. Push through it. You can do it.
Yes!” I opened my eyes and noticed the head seemed just a bit
closer. I could already feel more pressure. “Did you feel the
difference that time?” Jill asked. I nodded, which was about all I
could do. Pushing was taking all my energy, but at the same time, I just
wanted to keep going. I was so ready to meet my son. “How much longer
do you think I have to push?” I asked Jill. “If you push like that,
I think your son will be here within about eight good pushes.” Holy
cow. I looked at Shawn and he had the biggest smile on his face. We
had so patiently waited for our son to come when he was ready and we were
finally there. After nearly three days of early-active labor, we were
about to meet our first son. I was about to become a mommy and Shawn was
about to become a daddy. I closed my eyes and turned inward. I was
ready. I told Caleb I was so ready to be his mommy and I asked if he
was ready to come out. I told him, Mommy is doing the best she can and pushing
as hard as possible buddy, but I need your help. I need you to work with
me and do the best you can to come out, okay? The next
contraction started and I impatiently waited for the girls to grab my
legs. Let’s go, I
was thinking. I don’t
want to do this all day. When you’re ready to push, you’re ready and
your body can’t just sit there. The urge to push is so strong, mostly
because of the incredible pressure. Just as I began to push, the door
opened and a woman began to speak. She introduced herself and explained
that there was an intern who wanted to watch the birth and asked if that would
be okay. Are you kidding me?! I’m in the middle
of pushing, literally, and you’re asking me now if it’s okay for someone to
join the party?! Talk about the worst timing ever. The
contraction was almost over and I had missed an opportunity to bring my son
closer to me. Angel and Jill looked just as annoyed as I felt.
“Sure, that’s fine,” I panted. I was in labor-land, focused on nothing
more than the next push, and I didn’t have any extra energy to exert. I
feel like anyone else would’ve screamed at the woman but I tried to remind
myself that everybody needs to learn and if Caleb and I could help someone
witness a natural birth, that was fine. Her timing was absolutely terrible but
whatever. Angel later told me she wanted to scream “Are you F’ing kidding
me? She’s about to push a baby out!” I laughed. If I wouldn’t
have been so focused on pushing, that might’ve been my reaction too. The next
contraction came and I started to grab my own legs, took a deep inhale, and
pushed as strong and hard as I could. OWWWW! I never screamed, I
didn't want Caleb to be born in that type of environment and I was too focused
internally, but I sure did grunt a few times! Push through it, Kim. Push. “Yes, Kim,” Jill
said. Right there, that’s it. Keep doing it!” “Wow, Kim,”
Angel added. “That’s it. You’re doing it!” I could feel my
son move lower. It felt like he was almost out. The pressure was immense
and I could feel the deep burning Jill had told me I would at the end.
After the third push I let my legs fall. They were getting sore. I
caught my breath and looked at Shawn. “Good job honey, I’m so proud of
you,” he said as he kissed my hand. I didn’t even have the energy to
smile, or to notice the intern standing in the corner staring at my wide-open
crotch. The normal Kim would’ve been wondering if anyone in labor and
delivery hadn’t seen her crotch and butt yet but labor Kim didn’t notice
anything or anyone besides the rhythms of her own body. “Okay Kim, let’s
get this baby out. Caleb’s starting to get a headache,” Jill said.
I knew this was hard work for him too and I didn’t want to prolong the process
for him either. I could only imagine how uncomfortable this was for
him. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I connected with
Caleb and told him this was it, it was time for him to come out. I told
him I was ready to push him out and asked for his help one last time. I love you buddy, I can’t wait to
see you! I couldn’t believe I was about to meet my son, the little
boy I had been thinking about non-stop and dreaming about for months.
The contraction began to peak as the girls grabbed my legs. You’ve got this Kim, you can do
it. I took a deep
breath, looked at my son’s head in the mirror, then closed my eyes and turned
inward as I pushed with all my might. I pushed the hardest I had yet and
I held it for what felt like forever. “Yes Kim, this is it. Here he
comes.” I heard Kim tell me to hold it there for a minute and I tried but
I couldn’t. My body was in control, not me. The urge to push was
unbearable and my body couldn’t just stop where it was. There was too
much pressure, way too much. I took another deep breath and pushed again,
and this time through the darkness behind my own eyelids, I saw a light figure
coming into focus, a baby's face. It was Caleb. I saw his face and
I felt his presence. He was coming to me and I knew I was about to become
his mom. He was telling me it was time. Okay buddy, let’s do it. My last contraction came and
I prepared myself to get my son out. This was it. I took a deep
breath and pushed harder than I thought I could, and maybe harder than I
should’ve. “Honey, this is it. He’s coming. He’s right there.
PUSH!” I heard Shawn say, and I didn't even process the fact that he had
clearly been looking! I could hear the excitement in his voice and I
wanted to look but I was too focused on pushing to open my eyes. One more deep breath, PUSH! “Here he comes Kim,” Jill
said. “It’s time to meet your son. Give me one more good push and
he’ll be out!” I couldn’t believe it. This was it. This was
the moment I had been waiting for and dreaming of. I took my last deep
breath, pushed as hard as I could through all the pressure and the burning, and
then I felt the craziest sensation. I didn’t actually feel Caleb’s head
and shoulders come out but I felt his little feet kick inside of me very low
and I didn’t like it so my body automatically pushed again to get those feet
out! I heard a little cry and immediately felt my son on my
stomach. I looked at him in complete disbelief. I couldn’t believe
it. This little baby just came out of me. This was my son.
This is Caleb. I looked at Shawn and he looked exactly the way I felt, in
complete awe. Angel told me I did great and congratulated me on my
natural birth. Jill was busy cleaning the baby and me up. I
couldn’t stop staring at him, in complete awe. I was shocked. I
just had a baby. This was my baby. After nearly 10 months of
pregnancy and three days of labor, he was here. I was officially a
parent, and in the blink of any eye my life changed forever. I continued
to stare at the sweet little baby who was immediately pulled up onto my chest, taking
it all in. It was so overwhelming but so amazing, every last
detail. Everyone told me how great I did and Kim laughed at the
fact that instead of pushing his out out first, and then his shoulders, I
pushed him all out at once (except his feet) and he literally came
flying! This, unfortunately, is also why I got a second-degree tear and
had to undergo 30 minutes of stitching post-partum. I was so focused on
Caleb that I hardly noticed that or anything going on around me. Caleb
was finally here. I held him, Shawn held me, and we enjoyed the sweetness
of finally being a family.
This blog is long enough so I won't go into the post-labor details, but these
first moments with my son and the first time he fed were absolutely amazing.
However, since I wanted this blog to inspire and not scare future mommies
to have a natural birth, I want you to remember that my labor was abnormally long and painful because of the position my son was in. Women who have posterior births experience significantly more lower back labor
and it is much more severe because the baby is pushed up against the
tailbone/coccyx and often gets stuck on the pelvis. In fact, most women
who deliver this way badly bruise or break their tailbones in the process.
Unfortunately, I was one of these "lucky" women and three weeks post-partum, I'm still in an incredible amount of pain in my tailbone and back. In posterior births,
women usually have longer labors and the pushing stage is much longer and more
painful. My doctor later told me that pushing Caleb out was the
equivalent of pushing out a 10-pound baby and that he was shocked I only pushed
for an hour and a half or so. Most women have to push for hours with this
type of labor because the baby's forehead, from facing the wrong way, gets
stuck on the mother's pelvis and continues to bang against it rather than
sliding under it. Once I found out the baby was posterior and researched
it at home, I was surprised at how rare these births really are and how blessed
I was to have been able to still have a natural birth. So many people
told me that I should be so incredibly proud of myself for having a natural
birth, period, and I was, but when I found out how Caleb came out,
and how rare and much more painful it is, I almost couldn't process
it. In a 2005 study I found on BabyCenter, 90% of the women surveyed that had posterior births also had an epidural. That makes me one in just 10% of women. I couldn't believe I had done it, and my first time too! When I asked my
doctor at a follow-up visit why no one told me my baby was posterior in the
hospital, he said they didn't know because most women come in screaming their
heads off for an epidural, and with posterior labors, the epidural often
doesn't do anything. He said these women are usually given saline shots
in pressure points in their back to help take the edge off the lower back pain,
but I obviously didn't have this either. Doctors can't be sure a baby is in
a posterior position until the head is visible, and at that time the mom either
has to push or go for a c-section. The nurses did frantically search for
his heartbeat at the end but I was able to push Caleb out on my own and he arrived with nothing more than a big bump on his head, which has long since disappeared.
My labor was much
longer and much more painful than it should've been because Caleb decided to be
different, to be rare, to be special, and that's okay with me. It was his
special way of coming into the world and the way I became his mommy. I'll
be honest, I hope I never have to go through that again,
though apparently my chances of a posterior birth (or at least re-breaking
my tailbone every time) are much higher now, but at least now I know I can do
it. I am so proud of myself for not giving up when it was much more
painful and longer than I expected, and hope that my story inspires any woman
who is thinking about having a natural birth to try it. My world seems
like its ending when I get sick and I've never been good with pain, so if I can
get through labor without medication, not to mention one of the
rarest and most painful types of labor there is, anyone can do it! It's
all about setting your mind to do something, relying on God or whatever you
believe in to get you through it, trusting yourself, relaxing, and surrending
to the labor process rather than fighting it. On April 17, 2013, my
first-born son was born. On April 17, 2013, I became a mommy. Labor
was the process, and even though I'm still in a lot of pain in my tailbone and
back and still have a ways to go before I'm fully healed, I'd already do
it again in a heartbeat. Everyone was right, labor is the worst
pain you'll ever be in (possibly, definitely not always), and the quickest
pain you'll ever forget. What you'll never forget, though, is the
first moment you see and hold your child, and that moment is worth
everything you just went through and then some, I guarantee it.
Caleb
James, thank you for making me the happiest mommy in the whole world, and for
helping me realize I am so much stronger and can do so much more than I
ever dreamed of. I have a feeling you'll be pushing me, making me
stronger, and helping my dreams come true for the rest of my life. I want nothing more than to always do the same for
you. I will remember your birthday vividly for the rest of my life, and I feel so blessed to have been able to bring you into the world naturally, even in your very special way. :) I love you with all my heart and I am so grateful I was able to experience labor, birth, and every moment, however tiring, challenging, or painful, up to this point. I am so blessed to be your mommy.
