Today Shawn texted me that a couple of the girls at work,
old friends of mine, were talking about my pregnancy and how great it is that
I’ve practiced yoga throughout it and am planning on a natural birth with no
induction. He said they referred to me
as their hero, and thought sharing their comments with me would make me feel
good. It made me smile but it also made
me think about the high expectation everyone now has for my birth, knowing my
wishes for it be as natural as possible.
I’ve made it clear that I’m planning to go through labor without an
epidural or any pain medication whatsoever, but do I really know if I can do
that? I’ve never been good with pain and
childbirth is supposed to be the worst kind of pain there is! I mean, come on, it’s as if the entire world
is ending when I get a cold for gosh sakes!
Have I been talking a big game, one I’m not prepared to back up? But just as soon as those thoughts entered
my mind I countered them with positive thoughts. Yes, I
can do this, I know I can. I
understand that labor is going to be “painful” but so are a lot of things in
this world (I use quotation marks because painful is simply a label we place on
things that are uncomfortable for us). I
was “painful” when I lost my mom and I got through that, it was “painful” when
I severely over-trained for my first half marathon and stressed my peroneal
tendon and was off my foot for weeks, it was “painful” when my ex-boyfriend
broke up with me via text message without ever saying goodbye or explaining why
he did it, and it was pretty “painful” to push through my first 30-day hot yoga
challenge and two-classes per day teacher training, back to back, but I got
through all those things too. Everything
passes with time and nothing lasts forever, not even labor. That’s what I plan to remind myself of when
the pain gets overwhelming. I’m only going to feel like this for a short
time, and then it will all be over and my son will be in my arms at last. More importantly than that, though, is
understanding the importance of the pain.
What feels like pain, if I label it as such, is nothing more than my
muscles contracting and my body opening more and more with each one. The physical sensations of labor might be
uncomfortable, to say the least, but they are what it takes to bring my son
into the world. I don’t want to fight
them and struggle through them, especially when they are helping me to birth my
son, but rather surrender to them. I
want to experience each one in its entirety and focus on only one at a time,
knowing that the stronger they get, the closer I am to my meeting my son. All I know right now is that the process
won’t be easy, but the best things in life never are. I’ve packed my hospital bag with things that
will both inspire and comfort me, such as a picture of my mom for my focal
point, birth affirmations, and a handheld massager. I expect that labor will be the hardest thing
I’ve ever done, but it is necessary both to give birth to my son and to the
mother inside of me. Labor will probably
push me past my current limits, both mentally and physically, but only by
coming to my edge will I realize, once again, that the only limits that exist
are the ones I tell myself exist. I can
get through labor and birth my son naturally if I make up my mind to do so and
don’t let the pain get the best of me.
It is much easier said than done, as is anything, but all I really need
to do is surrender to the pain rather than fight it and struggle through it,
and allow my body to do exactly what it knows how to do.
Am I scared? No. I honestly am not. Am I unsure of what labor is going to feel
like and if I’m going to be able to manage the pain as well as I expect? Absolutely, and that’s okay. It’s kind of like that saying, “Leap and the
net will appear.” It doesn’t appear
before you take the leap, and I won’t know how I’m going to handle labor until
I’m in it! There’s no way to know what
it will feel like until I experience it myself.
Contractions feel different for everyone and labor is different for each
women and each pregnancy, so there’s no sense in driving myself crazy thinking
about what it will feel like and how I’ll cope.
My plan is nothing more than to try to stay as relaxed as possible and
breath, knowing how important that is, and to remember that my body is opening
with each contraction and bringing me closer to my son. Simple.
I am not looking forward to the pain, but I understand it’s importance
in labor and it’s importance in everything.
The things that have caused me the most pain in life have always taught
me the most and labor will be no different.
I will learn how strong I really am, so much stronger than I currently
think. I will learn to listen to my body
on a whole new level. I will learn to
trust myself more. I will learn to
accept help when I need it. I will learn
how to put my child in front of myself.
And most of all, somewhere in the midst of all the contractions and a “pain”
I’ve never known, I will die to the person I always was, selfish and weak, and
I will be born a mother, selfless and strong.
Labor is necessary to mold me into the mother I will be. “Pain” is what teaches us to be strong, and I
look forward to this opportunity to prove to myself how much stronger I am than
I think, to give Caleb the healthiest start possible, and to show my son that there is nothing I wouldn’t do for him. Most of us spend our lives trying to hide or
run from “pain” but it is important to understand the significance of it. The times I went through the most “pain” in
my life were the times I felt the weakest, but ironically, they immediately
preceeded the times in my life when I felt strongest and grew the most. My labor with Caleb will be no exception. I walk into that hospital a woman and I walk
out a mother. Pain is the process. It makes me sad how many women don’t give
themselves the chance to make it through labor naturally, but perhaps that’s
because they don’t believe in themselves or understand the significance of
their “pain.” No one wants to experience
“pain” or discomfort, but when we understand its purpose in our unending growth
and transformation, it becomes much more bearable – if not appreciated!
My labor may not go as planned, especially if it’s anything
like life, but that’s all part of it.
Anything that happens will be practice for parenting – practice
listening to myself, trusting my instincts, and doing what is best for my son
first and foremost. Standing up to the
doctor against induction was practice for labor, and labor will be practice for
my life as a parent. I hope things go
smoothly, the way I believe they will, but it Caleb turns or his heart rate
unexpectedly drops or something goes wrong, I trust that I will make the best
decision for my son, even if it means deviating from my birth plan. I am happy right here, right now, curled up
on my couch with my laptop propped up just below my bulging belly, and whenever
Caleb chooses to start my labor, I will be ready. Pain is just a label and contractions last
only a short time, but the love that is born the moment a mother holds her
child will last forever. <3
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